Where to Begin??

I'm not sure where to begin here. I have a thousand things I want to write about, but not sure what should go first. I think the best place to start would be to list all of the things I would like to write about so that I can come back to them one at a time. So, here they are. I'd like to write about my husband and how amazing he is. I need to write about my journey to weight loss. I'd like to write about my struggles with breastfeeding and how proud I am of our journey. I really feel like I need to write about our experiences with Doug's loss of vision. I would also like to talk about our journey with parenting and what it means to me to a mother to Matthew and Nicholas.

I have had this idea about blogging for some time now. I would like to have a place to collect my thoughts and put them "out on paper" so to speak. I have joked around the last 5 years about writing a book because it is hard to believe we went through all we did and are able to live to tell about it all. After reading Doug's first couple of blogs where he discussed some of his thoughts while going through the process of vision loss, I felt like there was so much missing; specifically all of the thoughts and feelings associated with the disease. I'm hoping that by writing about some of it, maybe it will help me to process some of this.

Here is my version of what happened...

I was over at my parents house right after they moved to Stockton. Doug was at work and there was nothing out of the ordinary about the day. Next thing I know, I received a call on my cell. It was Doug. He said he was seeing a black spot in his vision and wasn't sure what it was, but he thought he should have it checked out. He told me he was on his way to Dameron ER and asked me to meet him there. I said I would be right there. I then left Matthew with my parents and drove quickly to Dameron.

My mind was racing the entire drive. I went from thinking "This is ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with him" to "Oh my God, what if there is something seriously wrong!". Little did I know, Doug already had an idea of what was going on. I had heard before that people with diabetes either have problems with infection and in their limbs and need to have them amputated, or they have problems with their eyes. I had no idea what was going on with Doug's eyes had anything to do with his vision!!

As I sat in the ER with Doug, I was somewhat irritated. They did not make him wait in the waiting room at all. By the time I arrived, they already had Doug in the triage area waiting to be seen by the attending doctor. We were then moved into a room less than the size of a closet. They had an eye exam chair that Doug was sitting in and there wasn't enough room for chair and the doctor. He sat in the chair while 2 different doctors examined his eye. Nobody was saying ANYTHING at all! Doug still hadn't shared with me what he was thinking. On several occasions I asked him if he was seeing something that looked like a web. He said no. All I could think is that this was probably a huge waste of time and he probably has a stigmatism. I have one in both of my eyes and I was certain that is what was wrong with Doug. We sat in the ER for literally hours. Doug had called me very early in the afternoon. It was now around 8pm.

Finally, another doctor came into the room in somewhat of an urgency stated he had gotten in contact with the opthamologist at Kaiser and was sending Doug by ambulance to Kaiser to be seen by their specialist. I started to panic. The doctor stated he didn't know what was going on, but thought that Doug should see their doctor right away. It was now around 9pm. I asked if I could take him in my car to Kaiser. The doctor was reluctant, but said as long as I promised to go straight there, I could take him. He gave us the instructions, then told us the doctor was waiting for us there.

I immediately started to cry. I was so scared. I now had somewhat of an idea that whatever was going on was serious, but I didn't know what it was. Doug still didn't say anything to me about what was happening. We arrived at Kaiser and were met by the opthamologist. He explained a little about what has happening, most of which was a blur. He said that we needed to begin laser treatment immediately in an attempt to slow down the bleeding, but we would need to see the retinal surgeon the very next day.

Let me back up. What was happening was Doug had developed diabetic retinopathy. This means that the blood vessels behind the retina were leaking blood into his eye (into the path of vision). The way I understand it is the laser treatment is done to basically cauterize the blood vessels. Anyway, to summarize an extremely long day and night, the laser treatments needed to begin right away. The doctor tried to be humorous. He was very personal with us and tried to explain the best he could what was happening, what he was doing and what we should expect in the future. Out of any doctor we could have encountered that evening, I'm glad we met him. He understood Doug is a photographer and we were terrified. He really did his best to help us to begin this process into permanent disability. We just didn't expect that this is where we headed.

My hope is that putting some of this in writing can help me to begin the healing process of where we started, and how we came to this point. With that, I'm am going to catch my breath and write more later.